I'm having an unhealthy day

It's 11:06am and already I've had a bowl of cereal, a milkybar yogurt, a cream egg and a wierd apricot brandy chocolate. Tomorrow is lent and for it I am going to give up everything bad in my life, including bulimia. So today I plan to eat little fruit, no salad, and maybe go a bit sugar/carb crazy. Actually, maybe not carb crazy. A bowl of cereal and a slice or two of toast perhaps.

So for lent, I am going to give up

- Chocolate
- Limit myself to one yogurt a day
- Bread
- Any cereal other than corn flakes or bran flakes (one bowl a day)
- I don't eat junk anyway, but still no junk food
- Biscuits
- Alcohol (not that I drink it much anyway)
- Snacking in general

Oscar Time

So it's a few days late but I have been really lookin forward to the Oscars this year, so I thought I'd make a post anyway.

I know it doesn't really count since I know the winners, but what the hell, here is the list of winners along with my original predictions.

Best Actor in a leading role - Mickey Rourke
Since I saw the first advert, I've really wanted to see Milk. Sean Penn looks absolutely amazing and authentic as his role as ay political activist Harvey Milk, so I wanted him to win. However, there has been an unbelievable ammount of hype rearding Rourke being the come back king blah blah blah, and seeing as he's won almost every other award for his lead actor role in The Wrestler (usually foreshadowing the results of the Academy Awards), I presumed he'd win the oscar too. But he didn't! And my main man Sean Penn (Milk) took home the old.

Best Actress in a leading role - Kate Winslet
(The Reader)
I really hoped that she would win this, and she did. This was her 6th oscar nomination. 6th! At long last, 'the best actress of our generation' got the oscar. Congratulations, Kate.

Best Actor in a supporting role - Heath Ledger
(The Dark Knight)
We all knew he would win because he was spectacular as the Joker. End of story. However, his premature demise caused a lot of hype and a lot of people wanting him to get the oscar for his final role. Congratulations Heath, and his family.

Best Actress in a supporting role - Penelope Cruz
(Vicky Christina Barcelona)
I didn't really know who I wanted to win this, but going by what I'd heard and the other awards she won for this role, I sort of guessed it would be Ms. Cruz.

Best Director - Danny Boyle
(Slumdog Millionaire)
Oh my god, I am so happy for him mun! I've loved his work (and him) for a long time, and seeing all this success and love toward Slumdog Millionaire is really touching. Given that Slumdog was tipped to win big this year I knew Danny Boyle was a big candidate if not definate winner for this award. I think it made me love him EVEN more, if that's possible, when he accepted the oscar in 'the spirit of tigger'. Ah man. I love that man. This is an award I aspire to more than anything in the world.

Best Picture - Slumdog Millionaire
It really bugs me that I am still yet to see this film! But in my defense, I am completely skint and haven't seen anything since Dec 27th, when me and a few friends went to see Yes Man haha. Hopefully I'll get to see it while it's still in cinemas as I think they'll be showing it for a long time yet.

Best original screenplay - Dustin Lance Black
(Milk)
I didn't really know much about this category, but I knew Slumdog was based on a book and The Curious Case was based on a short story by F. Scott Fitzgerald. I figured that either Milk or Frost/Nixon would get this prize. It went to the adorable Dustin Lance Black for Milk who gave the acceptance speech of the night.

Hangover from hell

I am never drinking again. Ever. Bleurgh.

I went to town yesterday as I previously posted and didn't eat anything before I went or while I was shopping. When I got in at about half past 2, I had a bowl of cereal and a cup of coffee. My neighbours are on holiday this weekend so I had to nip in and feed their hamsters and their (genuinely) 13 year old goldfish, and while I was doing it noticed what looked like a strategically placed open back of sweets, which I helped myself to one. Or 3.

So yeah - no food and lots of vodka. and tequila.
Eurgh GOD. Gross.

It was a pretty good night though :)

Got told I was 'the tallest lass in the bar' - nice.
Also got called mean and accused of breaking some random lads heart.
One of the lads I was out with described him as having 'curly hair and a bit spotty' haha.

But yeah, met a few people I'm gonna keep in touch with. Even got a little kiss from one of the boys. Ilikesit.

Shopping alone on V-day

To banish any valentines day blues I had (but if I'm honest with you, I didn't have many. I like being single), I went shopping. Went in early to hit the shops without getting swamped in Primark and getting frowned at by dissaproving topshop customers.

Here are my buys!

I decided to get some leggings for the first time ever. Where I'm from, leggings are the uniform of trendies, who wear them with cream ugg boots, long cardigans, gold bangles, big necklaces, fake leather bags, and usually a posh spice haircut. So I opted for the ankle length variety which I really like and bought these from Topshop for £12.

I really liked the deck shoe/old school nautical look when it came round last summer but daren't venture further than my good old vertical stripe tees, navy cardi and blue tights. I saw an almost identical pair of deck shoes to the one's above last year from office for about £55. However, I was looking enough to find a navy blue but still patent pair of deck shoes for a fraction of the cost from Primark for £8. They's good but do smell a bit of curry.

I've been looking out for a pair of vintage/ornate flower print tights for a while now so when I saw these in River Island for £7.99 today I had to grab them before regretting it till the day I die (remembering the gold-green eyeshadow incident of 2002). I tried them on and as I feared but completely expected, I'm gonna have to lose a few before I wear them. With such busy print, every single little twist in the fabric shows so I'll wait till I'm happy enough with ze ol' pins before wearing them.

So not exactly clothing but a buy none the less. With some help and guidance from some lovely chaps on the imdb page for this dvd, I finally invested in small piece of cinematic history and Stanley Kubrick wonderment and forked out a whole £5 for 'Dr. Strangelove or: how I learnt to stop worrying and love the bomb'.

I also bought...

- Tartan bra from Primark

- Ethnic/folk print headband from Primark

- Some bobby pins and mini elastic bands from Accessorize

- Flight of the conchords tee for my brother's birthday from HMV

- A packet of kleenex from Superdrug

My thinspo

In terms of the media and online blogging today, thinspo or thinspiration tends to be lots of emacicated, very skinny, ill-looking young girls and celebs.

Thinspiration has been used for years! And I don't mean the promotion of eating disorders and having bones pop out everywhere. I use it as a bit if inspiration to look good, my current goal is to look good for Mexico.

The girls I have as thinspo are typically slim but healthy. Don't expect any bones or sunken cheekbones.

So whenever I post thinspo, know it's not in the modern sense but for my own little motivation.

:)

I NEED to see 'Milk'

I was at my mates the other day, flicking through the trashy mags like ya do... and I managed to make a list of about 11 films that have not long been out/come out/coming out soon that I really need to see!

Here's the list (although I may have forgotten one or two..)

Milk
Slumdog Millionaire
The curious case of Benjamin Button
The Wrestler
Frost/Nixon
The Reader
Rachel getting married
Nick and Norah's infinite playlist
Confessions of a shopaholic
Changeling
Bolt
In Bruges
Tropic Thunder
He's just not that into you

I think of all the ones out at the minute, despite my love for Danny Boyle and David Fincher, the one I might go and reluctantly spend my £7/£8 on is Milk. I might be going to see the curious case for English Lit, which is nice!

For a bit of comic relief, I'll probably end up going to see Nick and Norah, or confessions.

I like snow

After getting off to a turbulent start to the frosty season, I have now resolved my issues and am again friends with the snow.

There was no way in hell I was doing any jogging last night - the snow around my area was DEEP!! So instead I wrapped up in my huge hoody with my big scarf and beanie hat along with my Kate Moss style wellies, armed myself with a few poop bags, and took my puppy on a lovely long walk.

Despite living in one of the fairly big cities in Britain, the area around me has quite a few fields and little parks. So I treated poochy woochy pants to some untouched snowy areas where he could run around like a mad dog. Which he did. A lot. Which made me laugh. A lot.
He did that thing that little dogs do when they bound and leap when they run so they look like big rabbits. He also kept frantically eating the snow as we walked along. Crazy dawg.

The snow also proved incredibly useful when it came to picking up his crap, as the snow sort of frozen the poop which made it easier to collect. Yum, eh?

Who I want to look like

I know this sounds very wannabe/thinspo/disorder-promoting/pathetic blah blah but this is honestly who I think are the best looking girls around, and who I look to in terms of weight and style.

The stunning Jennifer Connelly. I will admit, she has gotten very skinny lately but according to various sites this is more stress-induced due to the death of her dad and running after her kids as apposed to extreme dieting. But anyway, if we see past her waif figure SHE IS AMAZING LOOKING! And look at that dress. And those shoes. And she is honestly one of the only people I've seen truely work the thicker eyebrow look. Actually, one of my closest friends has thick but perfectly groomed eyebrows and she looks good.

Zooey Deschanel - true natural beauty. She is an example of how someone can be naturally pretty and not rely on tons of make-up, yet can still dress up and work the fakes lashes if she wanted to. Plus, that outfit in the above picture is the only time when it's acceptable to wear silver shoes. Ever. And I actually like them. Plus, she's funny and talented (I have learnt to look past the huge mistake she made having a role in the shiteous 'The Happening'...)
Another thing I like about her is that she is a healthy skinny. I'm guessing she's roughly a british size 8, doesn't weigh more than 120 lbs (definately not, actually) but she doesn't look gaunt, ill, anorexic, too thin. Just good natural thinness.
Now here's my favourite actress turned fashionista, the quirky and very stylish Chloe Sevigny. From one of the blogs I follow (theskinnywebsite.com) I know a lot of people don't find her attractive at all. I, on the other hand, admire her unconventional looks and very, genuinely unique approach to the latest fashions. She is definately more fashion expert than actress now but she honestly knows her stuff, unlike the girls from the hills who are all 'designers' now. Yeah. Ofcourse.
I LOVE what Chloe wears almost all of the time. And even when I don't, it's usually still very original, which makes me like her more. I think she also has a great figure.

Wardrobe wishlist

I saw these in Look Magazine and thought they were so cool! Wore with a busy top and the wrong shoes - dodgy. But I think if wore with a quite tight white vest top and some hot dark brown sandals with a bit of a tan and some good sunglasses, they could really work.
Joules Clothing - £29.99 I do love my tights. I d0n't really like my legs (although, I am quite fortunate in that I only shave them about 4 times a year as they are really, really, really unhairy haha - nice) but I do like wearing the occasional skirt or dress or pair of shorts, and think tights just really smarten up the look! I quite like this dotty french connection pair.

French Connection - £19.75
I really like this floral print! I do quite like River Island but find most of their clothes (particularly the dresses) all the same. So when I saw this print I just thought it was awesome. I think teamed with a marl grey cardigan (with the sleeves rolled up), quite thick denier black tights and some high black strappy court shoes, finished with either a gold or pearl headband - nice.
River Island - £44.03This dress is pretty against type for me. I'm... hmm.. not grungey by any means but quite quirky, indie-kitsch, with running undertones of vintage, skatery, surfery style. But I do love the 60s/70s style, and this cream shift with little floral detail I think it pretty sexy. With a vintage waist belt and brown tights, then either brown or black pumps.

French Connection
R.R.P - £100

ASOS Red - £25.00

I absolutely adore this dress and this label. I know this sort of arty, watercolour/astract canvas print is in this season and this is my personal favourite dress I've seen. Quite similar to the dress Anna Faris wore at a recent film festival. The only problem (for me, anyway) would be the cut out shoulders as with my rubbish tits I HAVE to wear a bra and I probably wouldn't be able to.
Dahlia - £58.75 I want want want this coat. So much. I absolutely love, always have and always will, houndstooth and gingham print. Before Xmas I bought a gingham trench coat in a sale for £15 and, with it being quite loud and dressy, I never get an opportunity to wear it. Plus, the material is quite thin so I doesn't keep me very warm. But this is a proper, nice thick, warm coat that I could probably wear everyday. It's quite long so I could wear it with a little pair of shorts or a skirt with tights and biker boots or little pumps, so it sort of looks like a big dress. Or, with black flood-length drainpipes and patent deck shoes. Or even red deck shoes actually. A retro pair of shades would just finish the look.

Oli - £30.00

I really fancy a pair of quite extravagant heels. Blue is not a colour I usually like but I've noticed lately how a pair of aqua/turquoise detailed heels can be added to almost any kind of outfit to just make it pop. I think one of the best ways to wear those heels is with a floaty, cream dress and minimul accesories.

(from left to right)

Giuseppe Zanotti - £430.63
Kurt Geiger - £180
Steve Madden - £89

A little realisation

Yesterday, I had a little realisation about how bad my eating disorder is. I went to bed thinking I'd had a really good day. It then dawned on me - I had made myself sick 5 times that day.

I must be really something when a girl who has made herself sick several times on 5 different occasions in one day thinks she's has a good day.

I think next week when I'm really on track with my exercise and diet I'll start posting my calorie intake and daily diet, but at the minute it would probably do me more harm than good to see my pretty slap-dash eating habits.

On the exercise front, I think it's safe to say my running has definately improved since before Christmas. Last night I did my 2 mile run then went to the gym for about an hour.
Waking up this morning my stomach was a bit bloated but not too bad.

Snow

It's snowing in England again. Yay. Not.

This is the only year I've really noticed it but it is REALLY impossible to walk in this snow! It's really wet snow aswell. In other years I'd be able to walk to school without a hat or hood and have a few snowflakes in my hair. NOW - drowned rat alert.
For instance, around xmas time I walked to school (which is just over half a mile) in the snow and my hair was dripping when I got there. Luckily I had a hairband in my bag so I could scrape my fringe back and put my hair up, but it did make my hair look really dirty.

One thing I will admit though - the snow is pretty.

On the right track...

One of the really shitty things about bulimia is that you get into mindsets about food and what you can and can't do. These mindsets are hightened and usually made worse when you're going through a rubbish times.

For instance, two weeks ago I was eating 1000 cals a day (purging once a day at most), heading to the gym every night, not snacking, feeling good!

Last week, which I will say was one of the worst weeks I've had depression-wise in a long time, I was eating cereal and bread and coffee with cereal bars. I'd feel guilty so I'd make myself puke. My stomach was empty so I felt I could eat again.
By doing this and with my terribly slow metabolism it's needless to say I gained a few. Although technically I gained 1lb -- looks wise? I could have gained about 7. My stomach was painfully bloated and my throat and teeth definately felt the strain.

So today after yet again feeling that agonising anger and disapointment in myself of the crap start to a new weekly of a fresh diet.

So tonight, Tuesday 10th February, I did the same 1 mile run 4 times. I've just checked it on mapmyrun.com and it's a tiny bit over 1 mile.

The first time I did it it was about 10 minutes 30 seconds. The third time I did it it 9 minutes 30 second. The fourth time I was too tired to complete it so I took a little shortcut and finished a tiny bit quicker but in a lot of pain haha.
I listened to a Scott Mills podcast throughout, mun. I proper love him doot.

So anyway, after my 4 miles of running I was definately in that mindset of "I've just worked out and really don't want to ruin my achievements by eating". So hopefully, if I keep running and working out, the mindset might stick. I hope anyway :)

An admittedly bad start

Yesterday marked the start of my new diet that I was 100% going to stick to and was going to have me lose loads of weight. Uh oh.

I am going to be easy on myself as my only downfall yesterday came when I went to my friend's house with her birthday presents and whilst watching 'our' film, nibbled on yogurt coated banana chips, yogurt coated raisins, grapes, and pink smarties. I didn't eat a great deal of crap and was 8/10 on the healthy food scale during the day, but I still felt shit when I got home.

I did a lot of jogging yesterday and I can honestly say I think my running has improved. Using the stopwatch on my new phone I'm gonna start timing my runs. I've just calculated using mapmyrun.com the distance of the run I do 3/4 times a week from my house to my gym, and know it's just over 2 miles. Tonight when I go I'm definately going to time myself.

The last supper

Okay, so it's sunday night and I've decided that since I'm starting a HUGE diet tomorrow that I'm allowed to pig out, she says whilst drinking coffee and dunking rich tea biccies.

I've done this so many times and to be honest, the guilt of a bloated stomach the morning of a diet DOES work.

So I'm currently watching the BAFTAS. It was absolutely great to see Heath win. They say the BAFTAS often foreshadow the results at the oscars, so... fingers crossed, eh?
I am also loving all the awards slumdog millionaire are getting! I am still yet to see the film but from what I've seen and heard, it's extraordinary. I just love Danny Boyle and love seeing hard-working british talent getting what they deserve. Waiting to announce best director...

YAY! He won.
I'm guessing Mickey Rourke will win leading actor and Kate Winslet will win lead female (Heath, as mentioned before, won supporting actor, and Penelope Cruz won supporting female).

About me

Aside from all the bleak imagery of my eating disorder and self-harming, here is a bit about me.

Statistics -

Height: 5'9
Weight: 140
HW: About 160 I think
LW: 130
Hair: Currently a dark red but naturally blonde
Eyes: Blue
Other: I have a 27" waist, 34" legs, 34C/D boobs (although they used to be A LOT bigger - 36F), freckles, rubbish fingernails, pretty nice feet (one of my only body parts I like), 11 piercings and currently no tattoos (although I plan to get one before the summer).

Favourites -

Music: Red hot chili peppers, Muse, Queen, Placebo, The Strokes, R.E.M, Kings of Leon, Queens of the stone age, David Bowie, Eminem, The raconteurs, Blur, Foo fighters, Pendulum.

Films: Lost in Translation, Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, Donnie Darko.
I plan to study film at university and would love a career in film production, so needless to say, the list of films I LOVE is rather extensive and probably too long. So I'll stick to my three favourites.

TV: The Mighty Boosh, Summer heights high, America's next top model, girls of the playboy mansion, Flight of the conchords, Nip/tuck, family guy, gossip girl, Miami Ink, Green wing.

Books: I do enjoy reading. My favourite author has to be Irvine Welsh. His books are so wonderfully fucked up it makes even me feel normal haha. Another book is Scar Tissue by Anthony Kiedis (although it was probably mostly written by Larry Sloman with Anthony Kiedis mainly speaking, but in all fairness I did think he put his heart and soul into that book). The chili's have been and probably always will be my favourite band.

Other loves: My favourite shops are H&M, topshop and Primark (even though it's not very ethically balanced). My absolute favourite shop which I think I could buy my entire wardrobe from is Urban Outfitters. I also adore ASOS even if most the clothes look much better on the site.

I listen to radio one almost every week day. I honestly love Scott Mills. He and his team make me laugh so much, he keeps me sane, mun.

A little introduction

Hello there. This is the blog of a girl who, after many failed attempts, is tyring a new approach to getting better. Before I start, this is NOT a pro-ana site or anything along those lines. It is simply a blog acting as an online diary for a girl trying to beat her eating disorder and jot down her other feelings.

Okay. I am going to write under the pseudonym Nia Maxwell.
I am in my late teens and since the age of 15 I've suffered from bullimia although in recent months it's been the worst I've ever had it. At the minute, I am sick after everything I eat, including breakfast. My mouth is currently a beacon of ulcers and blood-blisters, and my throat is always sore and scratchy. The back of my tongue is rough and red from my fingers and, the worst part yet, my teeth are really beginning to show the effects of my constant purging.

I am purging about... 4/5 times a day. Up until about October/November 2008, it was only once, maybe twice a day.

Subsequently, my depression has became a lot worse! My Dad passed away in 2005 when I was just 13 (a little insight into my age). Since then, me and my Mum have not got on at all. After his death my weight ballooned a bit. I have no idea what I was at the time nor what I was at my heaviest, but I went from UK size 8/10 to quite a big 14 (for the US, that's 4/6 to 10).
It wasn't just my weight that bothered me but the size I was. I was depressed and hated the way I looked. I wore nothing but plain t-shirts, quite loose fitting jeans and big, black hoodies.

When I was about 15, I decided enough was enough and went on a drastic diet. I gave up chocolate, crisps, pop, anything sweet/unhealthy, all other junk food and pasta for lent. I don't know how much weight I lost but I'm guessing about 7/8 lbs.

It was around this time I became bullimic. And I've been bulimic ever since.

In 2006 after a big arguement with my Mum, I cut my wrists. The cuts weren't deep and they barely drew blood but it was my first experience of self-harm.
It is now February 2009 and it's safe to say I am now definately a self-harmer. My left arm is covered in deep, bleeding slits. This is something I want to conquere also.

So there we have it. I'm a british teenage girl with a serious case of bulimia who self-harms daily and wants to get healthy and lose weight the proper way.